A long year...

Well, it's been almost a year since my last post, and a lot has happened. Now that it's the summer again, I'm planning on getting some serious writing done. When I say "writing," I primarily mean fiction; I'm hoping to finish a story I started last summer, and I have a few ideas for some new stuff. Chance are pretty good that none of it will get finished, but a guy can dream, eh?

Speaking of dreams, broken ones in particular, my girlfriend and I broke up last night. I still don't really understand what's going on inside her head, though I wish I did. I think it would be easier that way. At least I'd know why I ended up without a chair when the music stopped. Suffice it to say that she's a wonderful woman, that I love her deeply, and I'm torn up to see her go.

I think the hardest part of life for me, in general, is dealing with the unknown. I live my life day-to-day to the best of my abilities, and lots of things go well. Things like my job, my schoolwork, my ability to make friends, and be honest and straightforward about my faith; these things aren't too hard. Sure, I regularly screw things up and make messes for myself and everyone around me, but, as my friends, they have to forgive me and live with me, because (I hope) they know that I would do the same. My life has worked pretty smoothly over the year since my last post, and I really have no grounds for complaint. And yet, I am about to do so.

The problem is that the things that go well tend to be the things I don't really care about, in my heart. Sure, I need a job, the school is interesting, and who doesn't appreciate having friends? But then I have trouble convincing people to actually care about me in ways more serious than just "Oh yeah, he's good at math and fun at parties." I like knowing people, understanding them, looking at how they think and act, and finding the soul God put inside them. With non-Christians, this can be a heart-wrenching affair; I wish I could make them understand God and His ways. I want them to see how all of their problems would still be there with God (probably even more would crop up), but that there would be hope in the midst of the darkness, one ray shining through the rolling clouds. Of course this is impossible; I can't make anyone do anything, frequently not even myself.

Coupled with this desire to know others is a desire to be known. I have thoughts and feeling in my head that no one knows about, and I'm dying to find someone who will actually ask. Sometimes it seems like I do, and things are good for a while. Not just good, they're intense, vibrant. The rainy days are beautiful and the sunny days break my heart. I get this feeling sometimes on my way to work, where I want to climb a mountain or learn a new instrument, or read an impossible book. There was a day while ago where I literally skipped around the office (before anyone else showed up ;), even though I had 7.x long hours of pointless labor in front of me. I was happy, really happy. I knew a girl who liked to hear my stupid, pointless thoughts, who liked to spend time with me, who liked to go trudging through a swamp, looking for turtles and hoping not to find snakes. My spiritual sails were full, and God gave me a companion here on Earth as well. It was a good time.

But, as always seems to happen just when I begin to get used to the idea of something going the way I wanted it to, the cracks appeared. On a Saturday we went to a wedding, we danced, and we kissed. On a Tuesday we broke up and she cried into my shoulder for a while. The next Monday we talked and breathed some life back into things. Now, a month later, the axe seems to have finally fallen.

Or maybe not; I don't know for sure. One thing that frustrates me about this girl is that she rarely seems sure about anything. I don't mean that she doubts God, or anything big like that. It's the smaller things: where to go next, who to be with, etc. It seems to me that we broke up because she's not sure one way or the other about me (though is leaning toward "no,"), and she doesn't want to get into something she can't get out of unless she's sure about it. Does this make sense to me? Absolutely! I used to worry extensively about the state of my teeth, because when they fall out, you're sunk. You can fill a cavity, but the tooth will never be as strong as it was beforehand. Teeth are permanent, as is the damage done them, and that scares me.

However, that doesn't mean I don't eat. I guess it seems to me that there's risk in everything, and so being absolutely sure about anything is kind of an illusion anyway. Furthermore, people can't be sure about other people because those other people aren't even sure of themselves. I said I wanted someone to know me, but in truth, I don't know myself. I certainly know a lot about myself, plenty of which I'm not so proud of, and every day I learn a bit more.

I have a lot to work on, but I'm a hard worker. I can't always communicate the way I want to, and I tend to overthink things, often to the point of absurdity. I do this because I want someone to see me, and love what she sees, blemishes and all. I'm willing to do that for her. I can't offer any more than that. I don't think anyone can.

So where do I go from here? I wish I knew. I'll find out as it happens, I imagine. Is this the bitter end of this relationship? I wish I knew. I'll find out soon enough. Is God using this relationship to help me grow? Yes. I just wish I knew how and why.

I'm tired. Times like these make me want to go Home.